The "Should" List

One of the things suggested in You Can Heal Your Life is to make a list of five or six things (the first few that come to mind) you should do. Here goes:

I should eat fewer sweets.
I should feed my family only organic foods.
I should contribute financially to my household.
I should be more patient with my children.
I should feel happier.
I should let go of my irrational fears about money.
I should write a book.

Okay, so that is seven. Truthfully, I could go on and on… The fact that I could probably continue writing my should list for days tells me that I’m pretty darn judgmental of myself. After all, the word “should” implies that whatever the current situation is, it’s not okay. That’s why I should change it, right? The fact that I can easily think of hundreds of things that I should do, tells me that I might be more of a perfectionist than I’d like to believe. I hate the idea of being a perfectionist. I’m so above that (wink). Shit! Am I really a perfectionist? Am I not as perfect as I thought? Crap!

Louise Hay suggests in You Can Heal Your Life that I replace all of the should statements with “If I really wanted to, I could…”. Here goes:

If I really wanted to I could eat less sweets. But I do really want to. They’re just so good. And that voice in my head is a seductress when it comes to dessert! Okay, if I really wanted to, I could choose not to listen to her. Got it!

If I really wanted to, I could feed my family only organic foods. This may be true, but I don’t want to believe it yet. My current belief is that while I may really want to, there are circumstances preventing it. I can’t afford to buy all organic, and planting a garden is too big a job for me to take on. CRAP! I guess I don’t really want to! I’m disappointed in myself for not wanting to do this. Because I want to want to do it, I just don’t want to go through the hassles of gardening, and I have real issues about spending money (more on this later, I'm sure).

If I really wanted to I could contribute financially to my household. Currently, I don’t really want to. I think being home with my children is more important, but I struggle to meld this idea with my sense of worth tied so strongly to “what I do”. Truth be told, I don’t really want to ever go back to work as I knew it before children. This issue is a huge reason for this year of growth. I want to learn how to live in my strengths, and finance my life from a place of creative passion. Brady is almost two, and I know that I will need to start earning money when he goes to kindergarten. I’m determined to do this without going to “work” in the conventional sense.

If I really wanted to, I could be more patient with my children. I do really want to.

If I really wanted to, I could feel happier. True. I know I choose my attitude, my thoughts, and therefore the accompanying feelings. But some of my old patterns are so conditioned, that I’m not even aware that I’m doing it. Still, I think I am already getting better at this. And I do really want to, or I wouldn’t be going through all of this trouble.

If I really wanted to, I could let go of my irrational fears about money. I know! Ugh! That is what makes this issue so hard for me. I know my fears are irrational. I know I am a weirdo about money, but my issues are such a part of who I think I am. I’m afraid to just let go. I’m afraid to trust that there will always be enough… so there never seems to be enough.

If I really wanted to, I could write a book. I do really want to.